I hate Tim Burton. I mean, I really just hate his movies. But the truth is, I hate his movies so much that I actually kind of hate the man a little as well. Not enough to wish brain cancer on him, or anything. Maybe kidney stones would be a fair compromise. But the point is, after all the annoying garbage I've sat through from Burton-Depp, I was willing to give their 2012 attempt at a Dark Shadows reboot an honest chance. Why? Because I'm fucking obsessed with the original TV show. And because Johnny Depp, an alleged fan, bought the rights after the death of Dan Curtis so he could persoanlly see to it that a decent remake would happen. Or so I heard. I'll be honest. I was dissappointed (although not surprised) when it was announced that Depp would be handing over the director's role to his life long soulmate, Tim Burton. But after interviews where both stated how much love they had for the 60's soap, and how they will give Dark Shadows a respectful homage. So, despite my better judgement, I started getting my hopes up a little. Perhaps Burton is going to think outside the box for a change, and actually show that he still has some talent/balls. Yeah. Denial. But I really wanted my Dark Shadows remake.

After months of speculation as to what direction they ultimately took, the trailer is finally revealed, which pretty much ended all speculation. I knew it was too good to be true. Tim Burton had gone and made yet another Tim Burton movie. All this trailer offered was wacky, corny gags, and a pussy-goth tone with a slight glimmer of what made the original interesting. I knew that's all it would end up being because it was in fact a Tim Burton movie, but I held on to a little denial, and still saw this in the theater, looking for a little love for the original to shine through, and maybe not as much silly horse shit as the trailer implied. I can be so naive.

Actually, this movie started out very promising. And somehow managed to pull off a more than decent ending. It's just that pesky 97& of the movie that got in the way. We begin in 1760. The Collins family of England, along with their young son, Barnabas, arrive in Maine to expand the Collins empire. Over the years, a mansion called Collinwood, and a town called Collinsport are built, which are made possible by the Collins fishing company. They go on to rush through a backstory which was originally a storyline from the tv show that made up close to 100 episodes, and wrapped it up in just under 10 minutes, leaving out detail after detail, which might have made us viewers give a little bit of a fuck about the few remaining characters they decided not to cut out.. Basically, Barnabas the play boy screws around with the maid, Angelique, whilst making it clear he's just having some fun, and that he's in love with another. Angelique is a jealous, obsessive witch, and doesn't take rejection lightly. Soon, Barnabas' parents end up dead. Not long after that, Angelique casts a spell on Barnabas' true love, Josette, forcing her to commit suicide by jumping off Widow's Hill.

As Barnabas fails to prevent this, he immediately loses all will to live, and jumps to his death as well. And before he dies, Angelique shows up and makes him a vampire simply by willing it to happen, which is beyond ridiculous. They could have easily had her make a cgi-bat appear, and bite him, but whatever. its not like this is anywhere near the stupidest thing that happens. And in the closing moments of the short-lived 1700's part of the movie, Barnabas is shoved in a coffin and buried underground by angry, vampire hating townspeople. I get that they couldn't squeeze in all the details of this storyline, so, adjustments had to be made, but it all just seems so rushed and meaningless.

And we now skip to nearly 200 years later, in 1972. Victoria Winters (aka Maggie Evans) is on a train heading towards Collinsport, as she's just gotten herself a job as a governess at Collinwood. She will be working for Barnabas' descendants, teaching and looking after young David Collins, who I guess is supposed to be a rip off of the Sixth Sense kid. How Barnabas has descandents is unclear, although, explained in the show. Just saying. As soon as Victoria arrives at Collinwood, it's all downhill from there. The silly one liners, misunderstandings and jokes that haven't been funny since the early 90's are clearly here to stay. This becomes more and more obvious as Victoria is introduced to each member of the family, who are all portrayed as mysterious, yet wacky. Later on, Barnabas is accidentally released from his coffin by construction workers, and immediately heads back home to Collinwood. And this is followed by one of the more noticeable changes made which makes this an all together different story. After meeting Elizabeth, Barnabas confesses to Elizabeth who/what he is, and guarantees everyone's safety. Pledging his undying loyalty to the family. Lame.

Things get even worse when it is revealed how down on their luck the now hasbeen Collins family have become. Angelique didn't stop with Barnabas. She's been tormenting and sabatoging the family ever since. She even has a rival fishing company called "Angel Bay", which has all but run the Collins' out of business. It's still Collinsport, and they still got their Collinwood, but the family is very much a shell of what it once was. Barnabas is now determined to restore the greatness his family once enjoyed. But once Angelique becomes aware of the emergence of her #1 obsession... Well, things are only going to get more and more stupid. Carolyn Stoddard is a scowling, sarcastic little bitch, Willie Loomis is a drunken half wit, the maid is 10,000 years old, Julia Hoffman, who is also a drunk, sucks off Barnabas, original cast members make an almost unnoticeable cameo, and Barnabas and Angelique end up destroying a room whilst fucking. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Somewhere in there, there is a good movie. It was possible, even with that abysmal script. Depp was capable of playing a decent Barnabas, and Burton was always capable of doing a decent Dark Shadows. Even if it still hadn't been the ideal remake for the fans. This movie is for nobody, except maybe those who absolutely worship Tim Burton. As one dimensional as these characters are, alot of the actors who portrayed them were not bad at all. Michelle Pfieffer was a fine choice for Elizabeth, as well as the actors who attempted to portray Roger, and Victoria. It was Helena Bonham Cater's pathetic, uninspired portrayal of Dr. Julia Hoffman, and that butterface, Eva Green who is nowhere near the same league as Lara Parker. Both, horrible. Although, I say Carter (aka Mrs. Burton) was the worst of the two. I get a strong feeling she's never seen the show before. Actually, it's very believable that most of the cast had never heard of the show before the idea for this unbelievable piece of shit came to be.

I don't hate everything about this movie. There's some beautiful locations, very nice cinematography, an okay score, at times. But Tim Burton's Dark Shadows is so purposely dumbed down, it's mind blowing. Besides coming off more like a dysfunctional Addams Family, they waste so much time which could be dedicated to the multiple storylines and characters who are given zero depth, or to the history of Collinwood and the Collins family which was such a big part of the show. But instead, they plow into our heads over and over again that Barnabas is from the distant past, and he doesn't know how stuff works in the 1970's. I believe it's called a "fish out of water" story. Tim Burton really thinks this is funny. and he must also think it's funny to switch things around, and make certain characters and turn of events as different from the show as possible, seemingly just to do it. Barnabas can walk around and exist during the day. Most of the movie is actually during the day which is dumb. In the original, Barnabas dealt with much guilt over the things he did. In this one, he's comically unphased by his cartoonish killings, which were non-factors. And one of the most noticeable changes to a fan of the original is how the Collins family business is such a major part of the movie, while in the show, it was rarely and vaguely mentioned. Nobody cares about the fucking Collins business, you idiots! I swear! They might as well have just called it "Not Dark Shadows".

This movie comes off as an attempt by Depp and Burton to piss off as many Dark Shadows fans as they can, But I know that's not the case. These guys really thought they could cater exclusively to the younger crowd like they always do, while claiming they're doing the exact opposite, without the fans of the original even noticing. Which makes them both not only greedy motherfuckers, but stupid motherfuckers as well. It wouldn't be so infuriating had they not lied their asses off from the beginning. Dark Shadows (2012) had potential to make a lot of people a lot of money, but ended up a lose-lose situation due to small minded, corporate greed, and a massive underestimation of an already built-in fanbase. The fans get shat upon, and the casual teenage movie goer barely notices. Therefore, nobody makes any money. So, everyone loses! A disaster which could have been avoided, had Depp and Burton used a little common sense and made this movie atleast partly for the fanbase they claimed to be a part of. Now, a real Dark Shadows remake is very much out of the question, and will be for a long time to come, because the Dark Shadows brand has no doubt lost all credibility thanks to Johnny Depp and Tim Burton. Yeah. Thanks alot, you stupid fuckin' cunts! 1/10