Ok, I wasn't really in the mood to write anything this week, but I gotta say something about this. The other night, I watched this movie on the Tubi that I wasn't particularly excited about, but ended up pleasantly surprised, dare I say a bit shocked. Shocked by the unbelievable level of schlock that the IMDb synopsis didn't even begin to prepare me for. A pretty ordinary-sounding movie by what I read. However, it all plays out in the most rushed, most unrealistic, ridiculous way imaginable. It almost feels like some sort of Lifetime movie, especially with the unnecessarily suspenseful score, making everything sound much more crucial and meaningful than it is. Meanwhile, nobody manages to come off like they give a fuck about anything that is happening. Way too low budget of a production to be a Lifetime movie, but it gives off those vibes nonetheless. Something about it also reminds me of legendary 2000's slasher sequel, Return To Sleepaway Camp... which is fun.

In the first five minutes of the movie, we have two 13/14 (?) year olds hanging out in the rich kid's room. Temptation is too much for poor kid as he sneaks and steals a few bucks from rich kid's drawer when nobody's looking. Next day at school, rich kid passive aggressively calls poor kid out on the stealing, who more or less admits to it for some reason. Poor kid DID come off normal enough, but is now an obnoxious dickhead who hates rich kid. We quickly cut to poor kid at home pretending to cry to his mother about how rich kid has been bullying him and accusing him of stealing. For some reason, he throws in an extra lie about the much smaller rich kid body slamming him at lunch. Poor kid's mother, who is no longer taking her medication, flips out and unfollows rich kid on "all social media". And as we now head into minute six, we then cut to the next day at school where, at lunch, poor kid attacks rich kid and slams his face into some food while threatening and berating him. Actor portraying rich kid does a below average job of appearing displeased.

Later on, rich kid texts poor kid in Spanish for some reason. He's all like 'really?", but in Spanish. Poor kid, once again, runs to his mother, this time insisting that not only is he being cyber-bullied but in SPANISH, "and he KNOWS I don't speak Spanish". Unmedicated mother has had enough and heads over to rich kid's house to have it out with rich kid and his mother. Rich kid and his mother seem to get through to unmedicated mother as she seems somewhat convinced of her son's guilt, but quickly freaks out and starts ranting about how this is going to ruin his life, so, she threatens to ruin rich kid's life instead. Now hysterical, unmedicated mother heads to the school and easily convinces member of the faculty that rich kid is a problem that must be dealt with. And that's it. Case closed. Despite being soft spoken and more polite than most kids, rich kid is officially guilty and at no point does anyone at any point in the movie budge from this belief. Every teacher, councilor, even the principal are all like "fuck this kid".

It appears to be rich kid's word against poor kid's, but apparently not. Rich kid is immediately declared guilty because poor kid's mother bitched first and was crying and not one person working at this school listens to a thing rich kid or his mom says from this point forward. Even though poor kid has no proof of anything, the faculty demands proof from rich kid, which he easily gets by recording some shit talking by poor kid with his phone. After this being brought to their attention, unreasonable faculty then accuses rich kid of invading poor kid's privacy, putting him in even more hot water. The more poor kid bullies rich kid, the more unhinged unmedicated mother becomes after poor kid cries about rich kid's reactions. And the more unmedicated mother complains to the faculty, the more angered and unfair they become, bringing them to the point of bullying rich kid themselves. It's almost like somebody who works at this school is related to unmedicated mother and her asshole kid. However, if that's the case, they forgot to mention it.

I love how out of all the times poor kid bullies and harasses rich kid, it's in front of like a dozen other kids, yet no one ever says a word, despite most reactions appearing to be that of disapproval. No faculty member asks if anyone has seen anything, and come to think of it, rich kid seemingly never even considers asking one of his peers to come forward on his behalf. Not sure what that's about. Eventually, I start wondering "ok, are they fucking with us, here?" Is this REALLY a serious movie? Everyone is WAY too unreasonable for this to be a real attempt at something. Maybe that's where I get the Return To Sleepaway Camp vibe from. Never mind the acting that would make Tommy Wiseau cringe. Seriously, it's like The Room. Unmarked is a so bad, it's good classic just waiting to be discovered. 4/10... And that's where I would normally end the write up. However, one minor detail has now come to my attention: The child actor who portrayed rich kid also directed this abomination, which I'm pretty sure makes this far less of an abomination and more of a legit accomplishment. Color me impressed, little fella! But seriously. That was hilarious! 5/10