I watched this movie once... Ok, fine. I watched this movie a bunch of times way back when, and it was great! Seriously, this movie was hardcore! It had drugs and blood and boobs and fucking all over the place. This movie was "anti this" and "anti that", and there was a bunch of pissed off homos and super edgy references to the end of the world. Oh, and people wanted to kill themselves and stuff. Some actually did! Then there was this alien... Yeah. So, I don't know whatever happened to THAT badass flick, but an older version of me watched a movie called Nowhere the other night and it was pretty fucking silly. Sure, I saw this coming because I know I'm not who I was when I was a teen, as most of us aren't, but after this long-awaited rewatch, I just got to send an extra big *cringe* out to this one. This is for Nowhere!

Nowhere is from director, Gregg Araki, who is far from worthless. I was actually pretty excited about this one originally due to how much I liked his previous film, The Doom Generation. A movie that also hasn't aged wonderfully with me, but still far less obnoxious. Nowhere isn't quite as dark but seems to think it is. There is certainly a lot more to it, although nothing comes off quite as meaningful. James Duval returns as "Dark", a tortured/privileged high school kid who can't decide if he is torn up over his lesbian girlfriend being a whore or if he wants to blow this random kid named Montgomery. We'll say both for now. As obsessed as Dark is with his little friend, he seems to really love Mel, who also seems to really love Mel. I take it Dark is settling for an open relationship due to that being all he can get out of her at the moment. Dark is clearly frustrated with the situation as he constantly takes it out on Mel's girlfriend, Lucifer, who is never not present, and seems to take much pleasure in antagonizing Dark. Two people who wouldn't piss on one another if the other one was on fire, but it seems Dark hates Lucifer more as Mel is clearly her's more than Dark's.

Dark thinks he's going to die soon, but doesn't make a big thing out of it. He seems much more preoccupied with his many "problems", although Dark's pussified handling of the Mel situation is a genuine problem. At least he's trying, but simply blinded by love too much to notice how condescending this bitch is to him. Today, we are given a peak inside the lives of these people's circle of friends which includes drug addicts, sex fiends, masochists, bulimic little twits, and all around freaks who really just seem like a bunch of self-absorbed, L.A. twats who think they're hot shit.

Dark's buddy, "Cowboy", is tortured over his unreliable bandmate/boyfriend, Bart's heroin addiction. Meanwhile, some poor girl named Egg gets raped by some dude from Baywatch after being reeled in and convinced he was into her. So, that was definitely a dick move. The gang, including a very gawky Christina Applegate, go out to some park and play what they refer to "kick the can", yet appears to be "hide and seek". Well, regardless of what they're doing, it seems to be, more often than not, what they all like to do whilst on ecstasy. So, there's that. With all the drugged out fun being had, no one notices when Montgomery is abducted by Roscoe the alien. And while Dark realizes something has happened, he is way too distracted by Mel to care about anything else for very long. Although to his credit, Dark cares, and at times, almost seems to be the only one in the movie who even realizes this Montgomery person exists. It's weird.

This unusually chaotic Friday culminates with a party thrown by some weirdo named Jujifruit that we've been hearing about the entire movie as if he's a significant character, yet, we see him for a total of five seconds. I was really hoping we'd get to know him a little. A fairly anti-climactic party up until a drug dealer named handjob gets beat to death with a can of tomato soup by a disgruntled client. Handjob wasn't the only one of these twats to die this evening. Some didn't even make it to the party. A televangelist, played by John Ritter, has been encouraging twats to off themselves all night with his words of wisdom. Our only hope for a happy ending now depends on Dark and his would-be butt buddy being reunited, but don't hold your breath for anything going anywhere except nowhere.

I mean, I get it. It's mostly a commentary on youth growing up way too fast, yet not growing up at all. It's a demented, somewhat psychedelic-inspired take on the idea, which is cool. And I suppose everyone's behavior has something to do with all the talk of the potential end times which is brought up more than once. Honestly, I'm not even positive that anything about these people is even being portrayed as negative. Either way, I just find it all incredibly unlikable and obnoxious at this point in my life. Much like Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers, it all just feels like Gregg Araki fooled himself into thinking he had made something far cooler than what actually got made. In my opinion, there's nothing to be found here that is any deeper or more profound than your average mainstream comedy from this era. While still good for a few dark laughs here and there, Nowhere is still every big as shallow and meaningless as the twats it's attempting to satirize.

James Duval isn't so bad in this. Dark lets his so-called girlfriend make a bitch out of him, but he still ends up being less twatty than everyone else. Ultimately, this character comes off like a less spineless, slightly more grown up version of his character from The Doom Generation. Gregg Araki must have a thing about bi-curious beta males getting their hearts played with by their whore girlfriends. Interesting with all the "end times" references how Mel's girlfriend on the side is named Lucifer, who Dark probably blames for his woes. Not Mel and certainly not himself. It would be a lousy situation to be caught up in, but it's hard to give Dark too much sympathy, especially considering his growing obsession with mysterious gay kid.
I suppose the unusual amount of cameos/mainstream cast members should be addressed. Aside from Christina Applegate and John Ritter, Nowhere also flaunts appearances by Jordan Ladd, Guillermo Díaz, Ryan Phillippe, Heather Graham, Beverly D'Angelo, Mena Suvari, Rose McGowan, Shannon Doherty, Traci Lords, David Leisure (LoL, remember him?), Christopher Knight, Eve Plumb, and of all people, Charlotte fucking Rae! Why? Why were all those people in this? Why so many references to the end of the world with seemingly no pay off? And what exactly does that alien have to do with any of this? Aw, who cares? They're all twats, anyway. The alien included! 4/10