You may think you know. I thought I knew, but I was mistaken. I didn't really know. But I do, now. For the first time in my life, I know what bottom of the barrel cinema truly looks like. And now, you get to know because I'm going to tell you. I have to because I really need to talk about this one. For years, I've been under the impression that maybe a Blood Lake or a Splatter Farm might be it. Those aren't it. Oh, I've found IT, alright! It's on Youtube, and it is simply incredible. I'm not sure why I thought this was a throwback. Actually, I thought what I was watching was the world's most authentic-looking 80's SOV throwback. I mean, I've never seen anything from that era be so intentionally bad. However, after some digging, I have discovered that this is indeed genuine 80's SOV. A lost one with no IMDb page, and not one word about it to be found anywhere. That alone makes this discovery an intriguing one. But then, there's everything else. Oh, you're never going to believe this!

My first viewing of Trashcans of Terror was more confusing than anything. I sat there with my mouth wide open for the entire duration, pondering what I was watching. Actual Movie or just some video some guy whipped up and stuck on Youtube? I mean, anyone can put credits on a home movie, but that doesn't exactly make it a movie. Is this a movie? Is this an attempt at making money, or is this just an attempt at having some fun? I couldn't tell. I've seen so many piss poor movies, there's no telling where this Chuck Handy guy was coming from. Well, I can at least try to make some sense out of the story.

So, for my next couple viewings, I made it a point to pay closer attention just to get this whole thing as straight as possible. Director, Chuck Handy, plays Percy "Spider" Liebowitz. A drifter and Kipp Dynamite lookalike, who is running from the past and himself, as he puts it. Percy, I mean Spider, comes across a woman named Cathy, who he finds standing out in the middle of nowhere, for a reason unknown to her. This scene was obviously a retake, as we could spot a second of the original before it gets taped over. Spider claims to be a fan of the confused young woman, who, as it turns out, is a famous powerlifter. And while I wouldn't say the actress looks to be out of shape, it doesn't appear she's lifted a weight in her life. As Cathy repeatedly tries to fall into Spider's arms, as if she feels light headed, it merely looks like she keeps hugging him. I really don't know what to make of this scene, but I think aliens were involved.

Cathy wants a protein shake, so, her and Spider take it to "the bar", which appears to be someone's kitchen. Spider and Cathy chat about how she used to be 300 pounds, until they're interrupted by some guy who offers Cathy money for sex. Another character is attempted to be edited into the scene, but only serves as more confusion. Spider gets mouthy with Cathy's potential customer and gets decked for it. We then cut to, you guessed it! The worst fight ever! Spider takes on several random people while we hear sound effects that sound like an old west saloon fight. Or maybe that's just me. I'm not exactly sure what I was hearing. After what seems like a good half hour of careful pretend-brawling, a silver-skinned Cathy reappears, pissed off about that guy not having enough money in his bank account. So, she breaks him. I thought she was kidding, but I guess she was really going to fuck that guy.

The now devastated Cathy flees to an old, abandoned house (someone's garage) to hide, but Spider soon catches up, wanting answers. It seems like we miss the first few seconds of this conversation, but Cathy speaks of some unwanted powers she now has, which seems to be connected to whatever was going on before he found her. Aliens, I guess. Spider asks her if she can stop being silver, and she does. So, I'm not sure what the problem is.

Well, that's not entirely true. Clearly, trashcans are the problem. It doesn't actually happen on screen, but Cathy is abducted by a bunch of trashcans. Spider is torn. Skip town and continue his carefree life as a homeless person, or be a jerk and go rescue the sometimes silver-skinned power lifter. Spider decides to give it a shot, but is only confident enough to do so with old Vietnam frienemy, Velasquez, by his side. A guy who just happens to be living near by. Velasquez seems reasonable enough, and agrees to help out.

We then cut to a fight in someone's backyard, where trashcans are being thrown at Spider and Velasquez by unseen friends of Chuck Handy. The two hardasses know this is a fight to the death, and fight as such. So, basically, the next five minutes consists of two grown men punching, kicking, throwing and shooting trashcans. Part of it, we get to see twice. The camera sure man thinks it's funny. We later discover that Cathy was abducted by Queen Masuka, who seems to be in charge of the trashcans, whose days are seemingly numbered. Spider and Velasquez make plans to shoot them all, or at least tip them over, so Spider can be reunited with his lady friend, who he is now in love with. Yeah. Something about aliens...

Once I collected my thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I am totally a fan of this movie, as incoherent and horribly-edited as it might be. Underneath a smothering amount of schlock lies an endearing and cheerful tone, provided by the fearless rough neck, Percy "Spider" Liebowitz and the cute, curly-haired, silver chick, Cathy, played by an "actress" who seemed genuinely happy to be there. The movie itself gives off positive, fun-loving vibes of which could only be due to a true love of filmmaking. And the mind blowing level of ineptitude is the icing.

I can't say this is the worst movie I've seen. I mean, to acquire that honor, it's got to be boring. Regardless of how you may feel about these types of movies, nobody can accuse Mr. Chuck Handy of making a boring movie. The most amateur thing in existence? Good Christ, hopefully! However, it's not always easy to tell what is intentionally bad qualities and what is merely a lack of filmmaking/editing know-how. I think I'd prefer not knowing, because I've recently discovered one of the last great mysteries of Z-grade cinema. A lost gem which slipped through the cracks long ago, but is now available on Youtube for all to witness, courtesy of what could be the last copy in existence, according to Chuck Handy, who I spoke with upon writing this review. Trashcans Of Terror needs to be seen in all of its jaw-dropping glory. SOV fans need to be wised up. Whatever you think is the one, ain't it. It's this one. This is the one you've been looking for! 3/10

Experience Trashcans Of Terror...