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Apr '14
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get to hang with Tromafreak and raid his dvd collection. While trying to figure out what to watch, he suggested a movie called Shatter Dead, a title that meant virtually nothing to me. Intrigued enough by the title, I thought sure, why not! Little did I know that Shatter Dead was no ordinary movie. What I was about to experience in the next 84 mins, cannot be described by words. Never have I seen a movie, so shithouse, yet so intriguing at the same time. Be warned, the following review is highly uninteresting.

Played on a scratchy VHS tape, ominous music played as the opening credits appeared. From very early on, I was feeling a sense of dread and uncertainty. The title appeared, โ€œShatter Deadโ€, plain white letters, simplistic and straight forward. Drums started playing as a female voice sung a sweet melody in the background in some foreign language. Sensually and seductively, a white haired lady was making love to a woman doggy-style. The drums kept playing and the voice kept singing. It climaxed in the white haired lady growing large white wings from her back. Then as quickly as it started, it was over as the scene cut to black and I sat there confused by the most bizarre opening scene I have ever seen. What the fuck was that?!

The scene cut quickly to 17 months later where the streets were empty as church bells rung, and our main actress, Susan, played by Stark Raven, made her way down the street. As isolated as the streets were first implied, Susan was passing many people who were hurt, bleeding and mutilated. They are all dead, yet alive. Zombies who donโ€™t need to feast on brains, but who are homeless and poor. Zombies who need to beg the living for money. As a news reporter states, the freshly dead are unsure what to make of themselves. They are simply there. Of course, not all the zombies are helpless bums, some of them are thieves. No, scratch that, RELIGIOUS thieves! Not sure why they need cars and petrol, itโ€™s not like they really do anything with it. Maybe theyโ€™re zombie hoarders? They gotta do something with their eternity on earth I guess.

Now if any of you are still reading this boring write up, some of you might be wondering, โ€œBut Shaz, what caused this zombie apocalypse of useless zombies?โ€
Well thereโ€™s a very simple and obvious explanation to that. You see, that angel chick that was rooting the other chick at the beginning of the movie, well that angered God and now people canโ€™t die. See? Makes perfect sense. They donโ€™t even need to explain that in the movie, that obvious answer is so obvious that only idiots wouldnโ€™t make that obvious connection. But director Scooter McCrae helps out the idiots by putting that little tidbit on the back of the dvd box just to help them out anyway. So yeahโ€ฆ. The more you know.

Anyway, we follow Susan through this post apocalyptic film and see the world through her eyes. And yeah, thatโ€™s pretty much it. I donโ€™t really know why weโ€™re following her. Hell I donโ€™t even know what sheโ€™s even doing. I think she might be looking for her boyfriend. They donโ€™t really make her motives very clear. Why is she wandering around aimlessly? Why does she have a gun? Itโ€™s not like she can kill anyone anymore. So many questions, so little answers. Donโ€™t try to understand this movie, itโ€™s a pointless exercise. Explaining this movie is like explaining why chocolate tastes so damn good, it just canโ€™t be done. All you can do this just roll with it.

So what can I tell you about this movie? Itโ€™s an SOV 90s flick for starters. But donโ€™t let that discourage you, itโ€™s actually kinda decent. It has a really awesome apocalyptic and depressing tone. The best way I can describe it, is similar in the vein to Leif Jonker's Darkness. Now thatโ€™s actually quite the compliment. But let me empahsise that this movie is no masterpiece. In fact, itโ€™s severely flawed. I would even go as far as to call it sh!thouse. Despite its excellent concept, the execution sucks, often times itโ€™s kinda ridiculous to the point that I have no idea just how serious this movie is supposed to be. I suspect the filmmakers were very serious when they made this movie, yet somehow saw past the atrocious acting, terrible sounding and weird dialogue. I can only conclude that they were all high on something. And when I say atrocious acting, I mean fvcking terrible! Stark Raven has got to be the worst actress I have ever seen! No offense, Miss Raven, but they could have hired a robot with more emotion. She only has one expression. Whether sheโ€™s cautious, or angry, or happy, or horny, she still has this same look on her face! And this is it!

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I took that screenshot right after a character complemented her looks (proving that there is some decent acting in this). But I might as well have taken any screenshot of her at any point in the film, her expression would have been exactly the same. The only time it ever changed was during a sex scene. Must have been damn good sex, is all Iโ€™m saying.

If you visit the imdb page for Shatter Dead, you wonโ€™t see many good reviews for it, in fact quite a few people hated it. If youโ€™re expecting Dawn of the Dead, youโ€™ll hate it too. But if you go in with an open mind, youโ€™ll see something truly unique. Sh!tty acting aside, this low budget SOV has some passion. Certainly there was a message in this about religion. Iโ€™m not sure what it was, but the tagline โ€œGod hates you!โ€ might have something to do with it. Even though I might not have understood the interpretations the filmmakers had intended, they still made a damn interesting and creepy movie, with some unintentional humour and out of place jazz music to boot. And on top of that, this movie finally answered the great philosophical question that I believe everyone single one of us have all wondered in some point in our lives. No longer shall we have to wonder how to get it on with a zombie, since the lack of blood flow will prevent an erection. Shatter Dead provided the answer, that I believe shall satisfy all viewers. That comes with a Shaza guarantee.

Now, on a completely unrelated note, I visited the imdb page for Shatter Dead, and I couldnโ€™t help but notice the plot keywords. โ€œUnsimulated sexโ€. Really?! That canโ€™t be rightโ€ฆcan it? I wonder which scene it was? Well there were only two sex scenes, one involving two chicks doing it doggystyle, so I tend to believe it was the other one. The one where Susan actually showed some acting range. Perhaps that was the only way the director could get her to smile? Damn that chick really needed to get laid!

So, what the final verdict? I donโ€™t know, from a cinematic standpoint it sucks the big one, but I canโ€™t help but really like it. Thereโ€™s just something so terrible yet so fascinating, that can only ever be experienced.

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Now if any of you poor buggers are still reading this boring write up, I offer you my sincerest condolences. But to make up for it, hereโ€™s a picture of a cat with a top hat.

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Thankyou very much for reading this shithouse rambling. Cheers!


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Box_a_Hair says:
#1

Apr '14
This movie was directed by some guy named Scooter. Therefore, I must see, even though it looks like a real turd. I tend to enjoy films with weirdly awful video quality though.

We'll probably add a page for this movie soon. Looks fitting enough.


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Ballz says:
#2

Apr '14
Stark Raven's lack of emotions makes her sound like a female version of Keanu Reeves. I agree with @Renzo. This one definitely needs an entry on the database.


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#3

Apr '14
Great review Shaz. I wanna watch me some Shatter Dead!

Stark Raven looks positively dreamy, and what a dark and mysterious name she has. It's so moody and evocative... Damn, I wish I there was a mark-up tag for sarcasm. I demand that someone invent one! And be snappy about it!

I'm guessing that the tagline of "God Hates You!" (as an aside, wouldn't that make an awesome recruitment poster piss take? The Big Man himself pointing out like Lord Kitchener) is meant in a 'meta' way - God must really hate humanity to create a world wih this film in it.

Awesome that you got to meet up with Troma and watch a shitty movie together. Hope you had a blast on your hols (I'm assuming it was a holiday, at any rate).

ps - I've re-thought my suggestion for your title. Instead of Zombie Ass Kicker, how about just Mulva? Nyuk-yuk-yuk. Ain't I a stinker!


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Box_a_Hair says:
#4, Reply to #3

Apr '14
Sorry, but I don't know how to mark up sarcasm. What does that mean?!


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#5, Reply to #4

Apr '14
It's the only downside of typing - sometimes you can't read the 'tone of voice' of a post - I often resort to stage directions (aside to audience) and 3rd person narration (he said, confusingly), if I feel things might be taken the wrong way. Now I'm sure no-one thought I was being serious about the fair Stark Raven, but you never know...

We can use {b} for bold, {i} for italic, and so on. What I need is a [sarcasm] mark-up tag, which will somehow denote to the reader what tone to read in at a glance. Fuck knows how that would work, though, and it was all said tongue in cheek - I tend to go stream of conciousness in my replies - whatever odd thoughts pop into my head might make it on screen.

I considered colour coding things, like pink for camp, green for incoherent rage, red for socialist commentary, and so on, but that would just be too restricting, and would require the use of a key in every post.

Cheers

ps Just you wait. I'll start with footnotes, hats, and parenthesised sets of parentheses soon...! Mad laughter and exit stage left

pps Sorry, I seem to have usurped Shaza's review with nonsense!


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Box_a_Hair says:
#6, Reply to #5

Apr '14
I think stage directions is your best bet. I really don't know how to go about redefining typing with expression besides the usual bold, strike, italic, underline, color, and images. That alone should be enough of an improvement over imdb.

Since I couldn't abide by your request, I instead introduce a new (irrelevant) markup tag for public use... one that's probably going to get very annoying!

Maybe emoticons would work? I could steal some of those from imdb?


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Shaza123 says:
#7, Reply to #3

Apr '14
I refuse to be referred to as Mulva. I refuse goddammit!!!

Cheers Jono, glad to enjoyed it, even if it was sacastic. Haha.

Cheers!


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Tromafreak says:
#8, Reply to #7

Apr '14
Get used to it, Mulva.


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Shaza123 says:
#9, Reply to #8

Apr '14
image


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#10, Reply to #9

Apr '14
Nice selfie, Shaz.


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Shaza123 says:
#11, Reply to #10

Apr '14
>:(



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